[Jesus Christ has she been keeping some kind of detailed notes about emotional leverage she has on him.]
It's nothing like that. I'm not trying to abandon you. I'm not running away. But I have to take risks to make progress towards solving this place, and this is the only way I can do it. The more I can do, the faster this will be over.
You know that from what you've told me, this sounds embarrassingly like when you left Lucita, don't you? Hurr durr I'm Beckett look at me chasing answers when there are people who need me duh duh sure the world is coming down around my stupid effing ears but let's split up anyway derp flerp I'm sure there's no way I'll regret this later durrrrrrrrrrrrrr I am so dumb
[What, she expected him to write his response to this? No luck, Angel. You have to listen to him answer, sounding as though you've just eviscerated him, and he may just be trying to get through it by being angry. Trying to be.]
I am not chasing bloody answers for their own sake. I am trying to solve this. And I can't - I cannot do it when I have to hold myself back from danger.
[ Beckett wants voice? Beckett gets voice. Angel isn't about to flinch away from his, no matter how angry he's attempting to be. ]
Interesting. Holding yourself back from danger. So I don't even have to remind you that none of us would forbid you from doing something just because it's dangerous. You're aware that it's your own choice.
[ She. Doesn't sound angry at all. Not that it's toneless or anything, though - it's a calmly-professional tone that Jack would recognise if he were around to hear it.
It's a barrier, then. A coping mechanism. Another insult, if you squint. ]
You are running. Because you know that we'd support you in doing what you feel you have to do, but you might have to watch someone get sniffly if it goes wrong. It's cowardly, and it doesn't suit you.
[That she's so calm, so level - even if he knows she isn't, and he damn well knows, still, she has more control than him, and he finds that impossible to grapple with. She still knows exactly what she's saying, and he can barely parse his own thoughts, and all those damned feelings.]
When I'm with you, you are all I think about, do you understand? You, Rhys, Enoch, even Brian, all I can think about is that I cannot hurt you. Whether you forbid or support me, I can't. It's a weakness, I know, but there it is!
[And not a weakness he's ever had before, either. They mean to him something just as intense as his old companions, but wholly different. He's attached in ways he never has been. And yes, he thinks, it does make him a coward.]
So what should I do, Angel? Stay as close as I truly want to and watch you die, or try to find a solution and leave you? What is the answer here?
[ There is a short silence. A very short one, broken by Angel sounding just as cool as before - albeit maybe a little crisper. Beckett. Beckers. Beckeroo. ]
I know we've covered this, but you are really freaking stupid.
Think about who you're speaking to. Me. Angel. I'm the one whose father locked her away for fifteen years while he tried to make the world safe enough that he could be with her.
[ The judging stare is audible. ]
In case you forgot how that whole thing ended, I spent most of my life in varying states of bitterness and misery before finally managing to orchestrate my own extraordinarily painful death. Gee, Beckett, I wonder which answer I think is the correct one? This is a real freaking bi-- bitch of a dilemma.
[ A tiny bit of exasperation makes it into her voice at the end, there. Just a bit. It's enough to at least make her sound a little more like herself instead of a tired-ass customer service operator, though. ]
[It's at times like this that Beckett wishes he were nearly as cool as the undead cucumber he pretends - usually with some success - to be, rather than a mess of issues bundled up with a Gangrel's hair trigger. Instead, he shoots off an answer right away.]
That isn't fair. You know it isn't the same thing. I never tried to stop or limit you from anything - do you think I blame you? Of course I don't. This is my problem. None of you should have to carry it, so it's me who has to walk away.
[He still sees the logic. It's an old and trusted one to him. He's changed so much in his time in Norfinbury, but he is still what he is. His kind weren't made to change easily.]
I'm not trying to fore you to be safe. I'm trying - I'm trying to make us both free to do whatever needs doing.
You're not freeing us, Beckett. Shutting your eyes so you don't have to see us being hurt doesn't stop us getting hurt, you know. It just means that we have one less person to help us get through it. You of all people should know how valuable that can be.
[ She's not so obvious as to start whispering, but her voice definitely lowers as she starts talking about people getting hurt. Enoch is around, after all, and it wouldn't do to upset him again. Or to use him as a piece of her argument, for that matter. It feels invasive. Gross. ]
You said the choice was between watching us die or getting out, but it doesn't have to be. And even if - I mean - if I did die, tomorrow, wouldn't you rather be there than not? If any of us died?
I know that. [He doesn't want the reminder. It's so difficult to explain that downright alien feeling of looking at another and being utterly unable to bare their suffering. To refuse them. He's also thinking about Enoch now.]
I'm trying - I'm trying to -
[Damnit, old man, out with it. It's not like she doesn't already know.]
I'm not protecting you. I'm protecting myself. The word I've given Enoch - that I'll be careful, choose my danger, not hurt myself - I can't keep it. And trying is driving me mad. I can't be careful when I know it's holding me back. I'm just the coward you say I am. [He gives an odd little sound, something between a laugh and a sniffle.] It's strange, isn't it, how one can be utterly unfazed by pain and death, but unable to deal with even the thought of someone else being unhappy.
It isn't that strange. Unless you're a stupid grumpire who doesn't know how feelings work, I suppose.
[ And she's Angel again, not the cold and distant facsimile of herself that she has been. For now, anyway. Whether this is a change for the better is up for debate. ]
Maybe the terms of this promise you've given Enoch need looking at. I mean - fromw hat you're saying, it doesn't sound like a strict no doing dangerous things ever. I think that if you wanted to do something dumb and dangerous -- like, um, throwing yourself into a pit because something at the bottom wanted you to --
[ C-COUGH ]
that would still be cool if you talked it through first? You know - discuss how to do it with the least risk involved, but still do it. Which could solve part of the problem, couldn't it?
[Paradoxically, the Return of the Angel throws him, almost frustrates him. She's mortal and practically a child, and yet she can school her emotions so much more effectively than him. He doesn't resent that, no... but part of him is still appalled at how easily she seems to see through him, work through him. Between her and Enoch, he doesn't want to think of what they might be able to make him do.
It's not why he left, but it leaves him grasping, on unsure footing.]
It's not as simple as that. [If only it were. Explaining what it is means revealing yet more of how vulnerable, how bereft of true self control they've made him.] Even if you agree to what I want to do - I never thought you would truly stop me, not really. It's that I stop myself. That thinking of what my dying would do to you - I can't -
[Actually doesn't he have a great case in point?]
Didn't you think, when you jumped - never mind me, but what that would mean to Rhys?
Only a little. The pit itself was drowning most of it out, and he was being an amnesiac butthole, and you were making yourself look completely ridiculous with that whole hiding-behind-people thing.
[ SHE SAW. ]
So as far as you two were concerned, it was me effectively throwing a tantrum. Sorry. But I suppose that's relevant - do you think that running away from us isn't almost as painful as you dying? Do you think it doesn't hurt to have seen your best friend die, and a few days later your other favourite person in the whole freaking world goes to insane lengths to hide from you instead of offering comfort?
I know. I know. [Almost defensive, because does she think it hasn't been eating at him? If anything, it's this realization - that it wasn't as impossible as he expected, that he could tune it out as much as he did - that's now alerting him to the possibility that something else might be going on in his mind.
Later. He's already dealing with a lot of... things.]
But that was the last straw, for me. He died so randomly. It keeps happening, and it's all so meaningless, getting us nowhere - bloody nowhere - and there are things that I knew I could do, if only I didn't have to look Enoch in the eye as I was doing them - !
[No. Stop. Empathy roll.]
Whatever else, I was an idiot there. I should have stopped you.
Enoch was a few steps away and couldn't stop me, don't start with the should have stopped you stuff.
[ EFF THE EMPATHY ROLL. ]
What is it that you're even wanting to do? Because you clearly have something in mind, and it's obviously dangerous-bordering-on-fatal. But I can't think of anything that would be worth ditching us for, dangerous or not, so you're going to have to help me out here.
Should. Not could. I should have been there. I... well. [He pauses, awkward, aware of how close he's coming to doing exactly what he said he hadn't, wouldn't - stopping her from doing anything she thought right, however mad and dangerous.]
House has a plan for trying to reach behind the morgue drawers at the hospital. I'm working with him and Will. And there are the classrooms in the school, the possibility of staying in them. I... don't know how that compares to jumping into the pit, but I've been trying not to calculate my odds, either.
House has-- is it better than the plan we had? And just what do you plan on doing if you get back there, considering that as far as I know none of you would know what to do with an advanced computer system even if it came with a for dummies help guide?
[ She's genuinely a little offended. FOR SHAME. ]
As for the classrooms, the danger could be mitigated if you had people standing by to pull you out if you pass out completely. Maybe people who have a marked interest in keeping you alive because they love you? This is so stupid, you're so stupid.
[Ah, yes, he should've expected this response to He Who Shall Not Be Named. And he does have the decency to sound pained about it.] It's not about the plan being better. It's about... compatible ideas of risk assessment.
[God, that sounds five times as dumb when he actually says it, never mind whether the principle is sound.]
But... that is half the point. Perhaps I don't want to be kept alive. Not that I want to die for the sake of dying, but... perhaps that is what it would take. Which hardly makes it sound like something I want to do in the presence of people who love me.
Dying in the classrooms won't give you anything but an oxygen deprivation headache and the inconvenience of a death price and you know it.
[ She's snapping a little. Too many dudes with suicidal plans in these parts. IT'S NOT OKAY. ]
Much like getting through to the server room won't help you without someone who knows computers. Seriously, what are you plan-- Oh god, you're not planning on smashing whatever's in there, are you? Don't smash it. Don't let House smash it. Do not freaking break anything.
I don't know it. I don't know anything! Every time I think I have some grasp on the pattern - [If there was video involved she could see him flailing in a way he's almost definitely picked up from her and Rhys. So it's a good thing there isn't.]
Of course I wasn't planning om smashing it. That is half the reason I'm there. To stop House from freaking breaking anything. But once we get a look, once we have at least some idea of how to do it safely - [Oh no, shit, he fucked up.] A little more safely. For effectiveness' sake if nothing else. So you can actually get something done.
For me? Reasonably safe. I'm not the one planned to be going into the morgue. Just an observer. I told you I'm not actually looking to die.
[When he says it that way, it sounds more... almost petulant, than reassuring. Which annoys him, because that isn't the point. The point is - ]
We could all die. Any moment. An anomaly, a glitch in the system, rotten luck - that's what I've always said. The only reasonable thing is to try and gather information about any danger we can test before someone engages with it. It's all we can do.
It's all you can do except be there for the people who need you, you mean. Don't forget that part.
[ It should sound bitter, but. She's so tired. She's so. Fucking. Tired. ]
If it doesn't work.. consider coming back? We can try what we had planned. Since the morgue is more likely to give up results than the classrooms, right...?
[Maybe he'd actually have an easier time with bitter. Tired just reminds him of how the clock is ticking. For all of them, but perhaps for some of them with greater stakes than for others.]
I... I need to speak to Enoch. And to Rhys, as well, if he'll hear from me. But I will come back. I've already said that I will. Once I know, I will come back.
[Once he knows he can still do this. Do everything that the stupid, stubborn, old and dead thing he is is used to doing.]
Not much longer, I think. [He's been keeping track of the days, actually. Because he totally cares, in his hands-off, say-nothing, bad-at-caring way.]
I admit that leaving you with the two of them, as things stood, was... low. Not that he listened much when I did try to talk to him. Rhys, I mean. About the obvious.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2018-03-03 02:46 pm (UTC)It's nothing like that. I'm not trying to abandon you. I'm not running away. But I have to take risks to make progress towards solving this place, and this is the only way I can do it. The more I can do, the faster this will be over.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-03 02:56 pm (UTC)Hurr durr I'm Beckett look at me chasing answers when there are people who need me duh duh sure the world is coming down around my stupid effing ears but let's split up anyway derp flerp I'm sure there's no way I'll regret this later durrrrrrrrrrrrrr I am so dumb
-> voice
Date: 2018-03-03 11:04 pm (UTC)[What, she expected him to write his response to this? No luck, Angel. You have to listen to him answer, sounding as though you've just eviscerated him, and he may just be trying to get through it by being angry. Trying to be.]
I am not chasing bloody answers for their own sake. I am trying to solve this. And I can't - I cannot do it when I have to hold myself back from danger.
-> voice
Date: 2018-03-03 11:35 pm (UTC)Interesting. Holding yourself back from danger. So I don't even have to remind you that none of us would forbid you from doing something just because it's dangerous. You're aware that it's your own choice.
[ She. Doesn't sound angry at all. Not that it's toneless or anything, though - it's a calmly-professional tone that Jack would recognise if he were around to hear it.
It's a barrier, then. A coping mechanism. Another insult, if you squint. ]
You are running. Because you know that we'd support you in doing what you feel you have to do, but you might have to watch someone get sniffly if it goes wrong. It's cowardly, and it doesn't suit you.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-04 12:00 am (UTC)[That she's so calm, so level - even if he knows she isn't, and he damn well knows, still, she has more control than him, and he finds that impossible to grapple with. She still knows exactly what she's saying, and he can barely parse his own thoughts, and all those damned feelings.]
When I'm with you, you are all I think about, do you understand? You, Rhys, Enoch, even Brian, all I can think about is that I cannot hurt you. Whether you forbid or support me, I can't. It's a weakness, I know, but there it is!
[And not a weakness he's ever had before, either. They mean to him something just as intense as his old companions, but wholly different. He's attached in ways he never has been. And yes, he thinks, it does make him a coward.]
So what should I do, Angel? Stay as close as I truly want to and watch you die, or try to find a solution and leave you? What is the answer here?
no subject
Date: 2018-03-04 12:47 am (UTC)I know we've covered this, but you are really freaking stupid.
Think about who you're speaking to. Me. Angel. I'm the one whose father locked her away for fifteen years while he tried to make the world safe enough that he could be with her.
[ The judging stare is audible. ]
In case you forgot how that whole thing ended, I spent most of my life in varying states of bitterness and misery before finally managing to orchestrate my own extraordinarily painful death. Gee, Beckett, I wonder which answer I think is the correct one? This is a real freaking bi-- bitch of a dilemma.
[ A tiny bit of exasperation makes it into her voice at the end, there. Just a bit. It's enough to at least make her sound a little more like herself instead of a tired-ass customer service operator, though. ]
no subject
Date: 2018-03-08 03:33 pm (UTC)That isn't fair. You know it isn't the same thing. I never tried to stop or limit you from anything - do you think I blame you? Of course I don't. This is my problem. None of you should have to carry it, so it's me who has to walk away.
[He still sees the logic. It's an old and trusted one to him. He's changed so much in his time in Norfinbury, but he is still what he is. His kind weren't made to change easily.]
I'm not trying to fore you to be safe. I'm trying - I'm trying to make us both free to do whatever needs doing.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-08 07:48 pm (UTC)[ She's not so obvious as to start whispering, but her voice definitely lowers as she starts talking about people getting hurt. Enoch is around, after all, and it wouldn't do to upset him again. Or to use him as a piece of her argument, for that matter. It feels invasive. Gross. ]
You said the choice was between watching us die or getting out, but it doesn't have to be. And even if - I mean - if I did die, tomorrow, wouldn't you rather be there than not? If any of us died?
no subject
Date: 2018-03-08 09:40 pm (UTC)I'm trying - I'm trying to -
[Damnit, old man, out with it. It's not like she doesn't already know.]
I'm not protecting you. I'm protecting myself. The word I've given Enoch - that I'll be careful, choose my danger, not hurt myself - I can't keep it. And trying is driving me mad. I can't be careful when I know it's holding me back. I'm just the coward you say I am. [He gives an odd little sound, something between a laugh and a sniffle.] It's strange, isn't it, how one can be utterly unfazed by pain and death, but unable to deal with even the thought of someone else being unhappy.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-08 10:58 pm (UTC)[ And she's Angel again, not the cold and distant facsimile of herself that she has been. For now, anyway. Whether this is a change for the better is up for debate. ]
Maybe the terms of this promise you've given Enoch need looking at. I mean - fromw hat you're saying, it doesn't sound like a strict no doing dangerous things ever. I think that if you wanted to do something dumb and dangerous -- like, um, throwing yourself into a pit because something at the bottom wanted you to --
[ C-COUGH ]
that would still be cool if you talked it through first? You know - discuss how to do it with the least risk involved, but still do it. Which could solve part of the problem, couldn't it?
no subject
Date: 2018-03-10 11:27 pm (UTC)It's not why he left, but it leaves him grasping, on unsure footing.]
It's not as simple as that. [If only it were. Explaining what it is means revealing yet more of how vulnerable, how bereft of true self control they've made him.] Even if you agree to what I want to do - I never thought you would truly stop me, not really. It's that I stop myself. That thinking of what my dying would do to you - I can't -
[Actually doesn't he have a great case in point?]
Didn't you think, when you jumped - never mind me, but what that would mean to Rhys?
no subject
Date: 2018-03-10 11:39 pm (UTC)[ SHE SAW. ]
So as far as you two were concerned, it was me effectively throwing a tantrum. Sorry. But I suppose that's relevant - do you think that running away from us isn't almost as painful as you dying? Do you think it doesn't hurt to have seen your best friend die, and a few days later your other favourite person in the whole freaking world goes to insane lengths to hide from you instead of offering comfort?
Because - 'cause it does. It sucks, dude.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-10 11:53 pm (UTC)Later. He's already dealing with a lot of... things.]
But that was the last straw, for me. He died so randomly. It keeps happening, and it's all so meaningless, getting us nowhere - bloody nowhere - and there are things that I knew I could do, if only I didn't have to look Enoch in the eye as I was doing them - !
[No. Stop. Empathy roll.]
Whatever else, I was an idiot there. I should have stopped you.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-11 12:03 am (UTC)[ EFF THE EMPATHY ROLL. ]
What is it that you're even wanting to do? Because you clearly have something in mind, and it's obviously dangerous-bordering-on-fatal. But I can't think of anything that would be worth ditching us for, dangerous or not, so you're going to have to help me out here.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-11 01:05 am (UTC)House has a plan for trying to reach behind the morgue drawers at the hospital. I'm working with him and Will. And there are the classrooms in the school, the possibility of staying in them. I... don't know how that compares to jumping into the pit, but I've been trying not to calculate my odds, either.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-11 04:16 pm (UTC)[ She's genuinely a little offended. FOR SHAME. ]
As for the classrooms, the danger could be mitigated if you had people standing by to pull you out if you pass out completely. Maybe people who have a marked interest in keeping you alive because they love you? This is so stupid, you're so stupid.
cw suicidal ideation
Date: 2018-03-12 08:40 pm (UTC)[God, that sounds five times as dumb when he actually says it, never mind whether the principle is sound.]
But... that is half the point. Perhaps I don't want to be kept alive. Not that I want to die for the sake of dying, but... perhaps that is what it would take. Which hardly makes it sound like something I want to do in the presence of people who love me.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 09:00 pm (UTC)[ She's snapping a little. Too many dudes with suicidal plans in these parts. IT'S NOT OKAY. ]
Much like getting through to the server room won't help you without someone who knows computers. Seriously, what are you plan-- Oh god, you're not planning on smashing whatever's in there, are you? Don't smash it. Don't let House smash it. Do not freaking break anything.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-20 09:09 am (UTC)Of course I wasn't planning om smashing it. That is half the reason I'm there. To stop House from freaking breaking anything. But once we get a look, once we have at least some idea of how to do it safely - [Oh no, shit, he fucked up.] A little more safely. For effectiveness' sake if nothing else. So you can actually get something done.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-20 09:42 am (UTC)[ She's pretty sure she knows exactly how safe it is at this point, but. You know what they say about assumptions.
Plus maybe she just wants to make him say it. ]
I won't ask for details. But are you going to die?
no subject
Date: 2018-03-21 08:49 pm (UTC)For me? Reasonably safe. I'm not the one planned to be going into the morgue. Just an observer. I told you I'm not actually looking to die.
[When he says it that way, it sounds more... almost petulant, than reassuring. Which annoys him, because that isn't the point. The point is - ]
We could all die. Any moment. An anomaly, a glitch in the system, rotten luck - that's what I've always said. The only reasonable thing is to try and gather information about any danger we can test before someone engages with it. It's all we can do.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-21 09:04 pm (UTC)[ It should sound bitter, but. She's so tired. She's so. Fucking. Tired. ]
If it doesn't work.. consider coming back? We can try what we had planned. Since the morgue is more likely to give up results than the classrooms, right...?
no subject
Date: 2018-03-24 11:19 pm (UTC)I... I need to speak to Enoch. And to Rhys, as well, if he'll hear from me. But I will come back. I've already said that I will. Once I know, I will come back.
[Once he knows he can still do this. Do everything that the stupid, stubborn, old and dead thing he is is used to doing.]
no subject
Date: 2018-03-24 11:23 pm (UTC)[ Oh. Yeah. Rhys is still... UnRhysish. ]
Um, Rhys can probably wait a day or two. That's how long people usually take to... to readjust, right?
no subject
Date: 2018-03-27 06:36 pm (UTC)I admit that leaving you with the two of them, as things stood, was... low. Not that he listened much when I did try to talk to him. Rhys, I mean. About the obvious.
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