[Finally, a reply. And Beckett sounds - not too bad, actually. Calm. It's almost the same wry but amused tone he used on Clayton when the doctor himself revived.]
How the mighty hath fallen. Clayton Epps, finally admitting that he can't stop me. And all I had to do was die.
[The smirk is right there in his voice. But he sobers up after, humour gone, more contemplative. Maybe even - no, not a chance.]
Jokes aside, I do suppose I owe you - at least an explanation. But face to face, if you don't terribly mind. Does your clinic still have hot water?
[Even if Clayton could hear Beckett's tone, he still wouldn't find the humor in it. Too many dead, too many hurt. The happiness he should feel at the fact that Beckett's come back is drowned out by the sense of dread that he's right. There's nothing he can do. Gary used to say that this was the ideal, that letting life take its course was pleasantly liberating, but this...surely he wouldn't have the same opinions here. This is awful.]
Probably. I haven't been there in a couple weeks and I'm not sure when I'll be getting back. Maybe Shiro's managed to find his way back there by now.
[He trails off idly as he flicks the tablet to video mode. Looking all right on his end, at least - mostly all right. Dying didn't fix the visible weight loss, and apparently hasn't completely done away with the fever either - he's all sorts of confused about that - but that's all physical, and minor. Somehow, he looks distinctly less haggard than last time. Than almost all of the last times.]
I suppose this will have to - wait, don't tell me you haven't gotten a properly working tablet yet?
[This Clayton can't help but be surprised about. Beckett looks so...so much healthier. It's odd. And now that he thinks about it, he's been a lot more agreeable, too. Kind of unsettling actually. It's like he doesn't even realize that anything's wrong, that he's died...does he not remember what happened? No, he remembers dying, he has an "explanation." He knows what's going on.]
Tablet's still broken. Wouldn't mind getting that explanation even if we're not in the same room. Don't worry, I'll believe you.
Still? You know, I'm passing up a golden opportunity to tut at you. Although I suppose tutting by text does not quite have the same impact.
[Delaying, rather, perhaps considering what exactly he wants to say. An explanation, right - but the truth is it's more like a confession. He looks away, fixes his tinted glasses on his nose and looks back. A little like he's torn between wanting and not wanting to force more expression into his normally sealed face.]
Well. Part of it was suspecting that I wouldn't last much longer one way or another, [he says at last.] It's a very human thing, isn't it? Better in a blaze of glory than sick in bed?
No, it isn't. It's not a human thing to give up. It's not a human thing to want to die. It's not a human thing to die just for the hell of it. You're treating this like a joke and it's disgusting. What's wrong with you?
[Even without voice feed, the tone behind Clayton's words is clear. Beckett scowls, but rather than launching a counterattack, he looks away again. What is wrong with me?]
I didn't want to die. [Just from the look on his face, it's clear that he's half thinking out loud.] I remember being desperate. I can't quite - grasp it now. What could have pushed me that far? Maybe I do not have as much of an explanation for you as I'd have liked.
[Clayton doesn't really need an explanation--he's made up his mind about what the answer is.]
You did it because you're selfish. You're only thinking about yourself. How being stuck here affects you, how you're only acting for yourself, how nobody else's word matters except what you see or what you experience. Two people die pulling that stunt you did? Doesn't matter, you have to go broadcast it again, just so everyone can be rest assured that Beckett's tested the thing, it works! It's real!! Never mind that he's brushing aside all the concerns of everyone that cares about him, because he's doing everyone else a favor. Wasn't that so generous of you?
Well don't worry about any of us weird, pesky humans getting in your way anymore with our petty anxieties and flawed judgement. You've convinced me! I'll just stop caring now. Don't know why I held on for so long. Should've known better.
[It should be just an annoyance - Clayton lecturing him again - but instead the outburst is a bit of a gut-punch. Beckett stares at the screen for a moment. The thoughtful look clouds over. There's a snarl there that he is clearly holding back with some effort.]
Well, good morning, Dr. Epps, so glad you decided to catch up. I've never made it anything but perfectly clear that I do what I do for myself. My own ends and my own answers. And neither expecting nor wanting anyone to care. You only have yourself to blame for getting involved!
[He stops, breath a little hard. Getting angry isn't actually helping him with the bitterness, for once. Lovely.]
You are the one who insists about making this about your feelings. Again. And for once when I am trying to go out on a limb and explain to you that something really is wrong -
[And stops again, abruptly. Didn't mean to say it so bluntly, perhaps. But it's out. Something's wrong.
It's a bit of a pattern in his relationship with Clayton, he's starting to realize. Maybe... just maybe, he really has not been entirely fair with the man.]
You told me that I should start caring about my own feelings and picking up my own pieces for once, and incredibly, doing that isn't making either of us feel too great, is it? Bite me when I try to help you, bite me when I stick up for myself. But I guess that's what I get for dealing with you, Beckett the fierce, uncaring vampire that's only ever worked for himself, except for those times when he tried to defend Rhys, when he showed compassion and dedication for Angel, when he defended me when I was hurt and promised he wouldn't do the same. That's what I get for caring.
Good job for pulling the wool over my eyes for so long. Won't happen again.
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branchandroot
Day 105, noon; voice
Date: 2016-04-08 07:32 am (UTC)How the mighty hath fallen. Clayton Epps, finally admitting that he can't stop me. And all I had to do was die.
[The smirk is right there in his voice. But he sobers up after, humour gone, more contemplative. Maybe even - no, not a chance.]
Jokes aside, I do suppose I owe you - at least an explanation. But face to face, if you don't terribly mind. Does your clinic still have hot water?
no subject
Date: 2016-04-09 12:32 am (UTC)Probably. I haven't been there in a couple weeks and I'm not sure when I'll be getting back. Maybe Shiro's managed to find his way back there by now.
-> video
Date: 2016-04-10 01:11 pm (UTC)[He trails off idly as he flicks the tablet to video mode. Looking all right on his end, at least - mostly all right. Dying didn't fix the visible weight loss, and apparently hasn't completely done away with the fever either - he's all sorts of confused about that - but that's all physical, and minor. Somehow, he looks distinctly less haggard than last time. Than almost all of the last times.]
I suppose this will have to - wait, don't tell me you haven't gotten a properly working tablet yet?
no subject
Date: 2016-04-13 01:53 am (UTC)Tablet's still broken. Wouldn't mind getting that explanation even if we're not in the same room. Don't worry, I'll believe you.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-13 04:20 am (UTC)[Delaying, rather, perhaps considering what exactly he wants to say. An explanation, right - but the truth is it's more like a confession. He looks away, fixes his tinted glasses on his nose and looks back. A little like he's torn between wanting and not wanting to force more expression into his normally sealed face.]
Well. Part of it was suspecting that I wouldn't last much longer one way or another, [he says at last.] It's a very human thing, isn't it? Better in a blaze of glory than sick in bed?
no subject
Date: 2016-04-16 07:42 pm (UTC)No, it isn't. It's not a human thing to give up. It's not a human thing to want to die. It's not a human thing to die just for the hell of it. You're treating this like a joke and it's disgusting. What's wrong with you?
no subject
Date: 2016-04-17 02:57 am (UTC)I didn't want to die. [Just from the look on his face, it's clear that he's half thinking out loud.] I remember being desperate. I can't quite - grasp it now. What could have pushed me that far? Maybe I do not have as much of an explanation for you as I'd have liked.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-18 01:44 am (UTC)You did it because you're selfish. You're only thinking about yourself. How being stuck here affects you, how you're only acting for yourself, how nobody else's word matters except what you see or what you experience. Two people die pulling that stunt you did? Doesn't matter, you have to go broadcast it again, just so everyone can be rest assured that Beckett's tested the thing, it works! It's real!! Never mind that he's brushing aside all the concerns of everyone that cares about him, because he's doing everyone else a favor. Wasn't that so generous of you?
Well don't worry about any of us weird, pesky humans getting in your way anymore with our petty anxieties and flawed judgement. You've convinced me! I'll just stop caring now. Don't know why I held on for so long. Should've known better.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-18 03:02 am (UTC)Well, good morning, Dr. Epps, so glad you decided to catch up. I've never made it anything but perfectly clear that I do what I do for myself. My own ends and my own answers. And neither expecting nor wanting anyone to care. You only have yourself to blame for getting involved!
[He stops, breath a little hard. Getting angry isn't actually helping him with the bitterness, for once. Lovely.]
You are the one who insists about making this about your feelings. Again. And for once when I am trying to go out on a limb and explain to you that something really is wrong -
[And stops again, abruptly. Didn't mean to say it so bluntly, perhaps. But it's out. Something's wrong.
It's a bit of a pattern in his relationship with Clayton, he's starting to realize. Maybe... just maybe, he really has not been entirely fair with the man.]
no subject
Date: 2016-04-20 06:03 pm (UTC)Good job for pulling the wool over my eyes for so long. Won't happen again.
[Furious, Clayton closes out the conversation.]